Comments are encouraged but those that are only hurtful or judgmental will be ignored.

Although my partner will be reading this entry I imagine, I will try not to write only to her. We married on my 22nd birthday which is in April one year ago. It hurts to think about how I did not make it more than a year. A lot of stressful things have happened-we moved to the west coast, she started at a new school and I got my first job, she has been in and out of the hospital and I have had my own troubles too. After a while it felt line she was ignoring me and I felt line my need for sexual contact was a selfish desire. Frankly I felt bad for wanting intimate contact. It has gotten to the point that any intimate contact was brought with peril and I was a bad person, for not respecting her boundaries or if I did for wanting more/ being unsatisfied. Then I got involved with a coworker and discovered that I am not alone in needing physical touch. Anyway, it got really messy- the details are not that important.

I pushed my partner until she wanted me to move out, about which I am not proud. I have spent so much of my short adult life intimidated by other people or being a people-pleaser. I have been living in a separate apartment, about 20 miles from our old place, which is in a different state , for a month now. She wants me to more back in with her but I do not want to do that at this time. So now you can see why I wanted her to want me to move out –if I moved out and she did not want me too it would have been more difficult.

Our wedding rows were not the standard ones. It hurts when she says that I am just throwing everything away and breaking my promises. Semantically, I never promised that “the goal of coming (staying) together” meant being her wife. I hope that she will one day be able to see that I do love her and never meant to betray her. It does bother me sometimes that other people, her friends, think that I am being childish when this in fact may be one of the most adult things I have done.