flutefly ([info]flutefly) wrote,
@ 2008-04-20 19:23:00
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Current mood: thoughtful
Entry tags:relationship issues

Childish or just plain human
Comments are encouraged but those that are only hurtful or judgmental will be ignored.

Although my partner will be reading this entry I imagine, I will try not to write only to her. We married on my 22nd birthday which is in April one year ago. It hurts to think about how I did not make it more than a year. A lot of stressful things have happened-we moved to the west coast, she started at a new school and I got my first job, she has been in and out of the hospital and I have had my own troubles too. After a while it felt line she was ignoring me and I felt line my need for sexual contact was a selfish desire. Frankly I felt bad for wanting intimate contact. It has gotten to the point that any intimate contact was brought with peril and I was a bad person, for not respecting her boundaries or if I did for wanting more/ being unsatisfied. Then I got involved with a coworker and discovered that I am not alone in needing physical touch. Anyway, it got really messy- the details are not that important.

I pushed my partner until she wanted me to move out, about which I am not proud. I have spent so much of my short adult life intimidated by other people or being a people-pleaser. I have been living in a separate apartment, about 20 miles from our old place, which is in a different state , for a month now. She wants me to more back in with her but I do not want to do that at this time. So now you can see why I wanted her to want me to move out –if I moved out and she did not want me too it would have been more difficult.

Our wedding rows were not the standard ones. It hurts when she says that I am just throwing everything away and breaking my promises. Semantically, I never promised that “the goal of coming (staying) together” meant being her wife. I hope that she will one day be able to see that I do love her and never meant to betray her. It does bother me sometimes that other people, her friends, think that I am being childish when this in fact may be one of the most adult things I have done.


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[info]jmstine
2008-04-21 04:34 am UTC (link)
i thought i could not respect or admire you more until i read this

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[info]mornhyland
2008-04-21 05:34 am UTC (link)
Just so that my perspective is being seen here. You left the relationship after you got what you needed, my help in getting you moved across the country, help getting a job and so on. As I started getting healthier you were already on your way out. I basically didn't stand a chance, other than to be left alone.

And I felt that our vows were promises to each other to try through the good and the bad. Neither of us has been perfect, that is human. But, I'm trying to hang in there and make things work, it just feels like you gave up.

The childish remark comes from the your expectations that married couples live in fairy tale bliss and have sex two and three times a day EVERY day. These are unrealistic expectations. Yes, touch was/is difficult for me, but it has been high on the list of things that has been worked on (largely due to its importance to the relationship). At a point if I wanted to salvage the relationship there had to be some prioritization of where things were being worked on. But, this along with other things as they have gotten better on my end it hasn't seemed to make a difference. You say they are the reason you left, but having them resolved isn't reason to return.

You pull me closer and then you push me away. You spend a lot of time saying "What if it doesn't work out?" Without actually trying to make it work. You look at things in such black and white terms, it is either going to have to be absolutely perfect, or it won't happen at all.

I've been through all this with you a bunch of times. I've tried to compromise with on the other issues you had. I've agreed to move to a location that is better suited to your work, has more space for you to do your own thing and space for you to be on your own, a place that is quieter for you. I've agreed to go bed at the same time and spend the time that you want together. I've come to understand how all these things are important to not just you, but to the growth of our relationship. I've taken huge steps towards my own independent living. And want to do the same in the relationship that we had, but I can't do that alone.

What ever happens in the end, I hope you are happy and find peace.

(Reply to this)


[info]frankiejlh
2008-04-21 01:24 pm UTC (link)
IMNSHO: You are so much more than your ability to fix things, situations, people, relationships, machines, you name it. You're so much more than your ability to make them work better than they had previously, to problem-solve, or to respond well to a crisis.
You deserve to be loved for all your qualities - for who you are on the whole - not just for your ability to do any of the above, or for the degree to which you're a boon to those who might need you.
You deserve to be taken care of as often as you take care of anyone else, to feel safe letting go as often as anyone lets go with you, and to feel like your desires are not inherently a pain in the ass, even if no one can meet them at some particular moment. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not just what you can do.

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[info]catskillmarina
2008-04-22 03:33 pm UTC (link)
I hope things work out for the best, though i have to say seeing you break up was
painfull for me. Still care ;-)

--- Marina

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[info]flutefly
2008-04-23 02:42 pm UTC (link)
You always care, even at my worst, thank you :)

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[info]aillecat
2008-04-26 05:57 pm UTC (link)
Hi Maria, we never met, or talked, in fact I think I was one of those who was so busy, I just kept contact with Julie, and didn;t really have time to get up to Noho when you guys were there, we have many of the same friends, because of the fact I lived in noho several years before Julie moved there.

Over the last few years I went through recovering from a sexual assault, a divorce, a custody battle, battles with fibromyalgia, psoriatic arhritis, and other medical isssues, at some level I feel guilty for not being around as much as I might have... or maybe given that I was dealing with so much as well, maybe I wasn;t capable. Doesn't make me feel too much better though.

If you need anything let me know - you can ask Frankie and Shahn who I am if you like... Julie and I went way back to the mid-90's and I credit her with pretty much rescuing me from a very bad path in life.

Whatever happened between you two, is between you two, she had issues and you needed to take care of yourself too. I'm sure that you aren't doing very well over there right now, and if you need someone extra to help do things, arrange things, if you need extra $$ to help with something - I'm probably in a better financial state than I've been in since y2k1.

-Trish, aka "Vonne", "Siobhan" and "AilleCat"

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[info]lagizma
2008-04-28 05:14 am UTC (link)
I would like to friend you. As an outsider who only knew Julia through livejournal for a year, I can say that you came across as a tirelessly supportive partner in her words.

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