Uh so I am not that Livejournal savvy. I figured out (I hope) that the red line through the eye means unscreen. I thought it was reversed because the eye would mean to me others can see it. *laughing to self* Oh well, if my mistake offended folks they need anti-sensitivity training.

I've seen on bumper stickers and window stickers "Wife in trunk." Today if I had one of those stickers, it would be true. It's things like that I find amusing - my apologies if it is not your brand of humor.

My parents and Leaf and I took Julia's ashes to the ocean. I'm glad that I asked Leaf to come so that someone focused more on the ceremonial than the practical. My parents are very practical, very efficient people.

The ashes came in a biodegradable bag so I went out to about knee deep in the ocean to make sure they would not wash back on shore. The tide started to rise while we were out there, luckily my mom grabbed my shoes to make sure they did not wash away. I would like to go back to the coast, but not for fulfilling final wishes.

I complain about other people not knowing how to relate to me following Julia's death. I think it is more that I do not know how to relate to them. Julia's death is a big part of my life right now and I feel anyone who is to be a friend to me needs to know about it.

I feel hurt right now because someone at work felt uncomfortable. She said that I could not take a hint, yet she never told me directly that she felt that way. I misunderstood her offering of hugs because she told me that she and the other person who works at the front desk will always offer them to other people. It is rumored that she hugs certain people every day, and let's just say that there are certain men who talk about enjoying her breasts squashed against their chest. *Shrug* She's straight, so that could be a factor (she's not my type). She told me intimate details about her life, which to me means someone wants to be my friend. I guess it's because the main thing we have in common is that she had an affair with another man so knew that my coworker and I were as well. She is marrying him next month by the way so I imagine that I make her vulnerable, then why tell me about it in the first place? If she wanted to give me advice, it would have been more clear to me that she was telling me for that reason and not because she was interested in friendship.

At least my boss is very good and did advise me to not bring it up right away. He also said to not tell people at work. It goes against my general operation because when someone asks, I answer their question honestly. I suppose that I am still young and have only recently learned to say, "it's personal." I get angry because other coworkers are jealous of me "taking vacations" when really I am heartbroken and lost on Fridays because I used to visit Julia in Portland. My boss wants me to find a way so that I do not have to take Fridays off anymore. There are still things that need to get done and it's nice for me to distract myself by doing it then.

I met with a lawyer today about a possible wrongful death case because the hospital released Julia right before she committed suicide. I got a copy of the death certificate today, she also did not die far from the hospital, so my estimate of 6 hours or less is EXTREMELY generous. When my grandfather and I went to request the records, the records department said that it would not be until next week as they are currently under review. Under review generally means we made a mistake....

Anyway, the main reason to have an autopsy would be to show Julia was in good health if I were to pursue a case. Also, it would prevent them from asking why I chose to not have an autopsy. My main issue is that it is going to be at least $750 and really there is no added benefit to me on a personal level. I KNOW Julia was in reasonably good physical health, heck she had placed a reservation on Wii Fit, which I am seriously considering picking up when it comes out on the 21st.

However, I also have the money from Social Security's last payment to Julia. It feels like blood money. I was going to use it for the cremation but my mom paid for that. So if I do an autopsy I do not have to do anything right away, I would have a good 3-6 months. At the same time the autopsy is really only of use to a lawyer see reasons above as to the limited value to me. Now if they took pictures, I'd be interested, I know morbid but well, I am interested in medical photographs. I also doubt that I would see any of the retainer fee paid to the lawyer if there were to be a settlement seeing as anyone who ever loaned Julia money ie the government, the hospitals would come after it. Plus the retainer fee is an ungodly amount. So although a case would be the right thing to do and would probably be what Julia would have wanted to do, it is difficult, not to mention my misconduct during our marriage could be center stage. I am not proud of that...and it only hurts Julia's image more. Right now I want people to remember Julia as the wonderful woman I loved - the geeky mathematician super computer genius. She always liked to mimic Wiley E Coyote's "Super Computer Genius."

So in your humble or not so humble opinion, should I have an autopsy done?

Comments are encouraged but those that are only hurtful or judgmental will be ignored.

Although my partner will be reading this entry I imagine, I will try not to write only to her. We married on my 22nd birthday which is in April one year ago. It hurts to think about how I did not make it more than a year. A lot of stressful things have happened-we moved to the west coast, she started at a new school and I got my first job, she has been in and out of the hospital and I have had my own troubles too. After a while it felt line she was ignoring me and I felt line my need for sexual contact was a selfish desire. Frankly I felt bad for wanting intimate contact. It has gotten to the point that any intimate contact was brought with peril and I was a bad person, for not respecting her boundaries or if I did for wanting more/ being unsatisfied. Then I got involved with a coworker and discovered that I am not alone in needing physical touch. Anyway, it got really messy- the details are not that important.

I pushed my partner until she wanted me to move out, about which I am not proud. I have spent so much of my short adult life intimidated by other people or being a people-pleaser. I have been living in a separate apartment, about 20 miles from our old place, which is in a different state , for a month now. She wants me to more back in with her but I do not want to do that at this time. So now you can see why I wanted her to want me to move out –if I moved out and she did not want me too it would have been more difficult.

Our wedding rows were not the standard ones. It hurts when she says that I am just throwing everything away and breaking my promises. Semantically, I never promised that “the goal of coming (staying) together” meant being her wife. I hope that she will one day be able to see that I do love her and never meant to betray her. It does bother me sometimes that other people, her friends, think that I am being childish when this in fact may be one of the most adult things I have done.

Watching people today, I realized that it is hard to tell if someone is crazy and talking to themselves or on a cell phone. When some people talk, I have noticed that they hunch over and if the phone is underneath a jacket hood, it is impossible to tell. On a related note, I have a dead cell phone my father requested for the purpose of jabbering in public. Yes, he has a sense of humor and tends to be on the strange side. Like father like daughter.

What do you think a time traveler might say about cell phones? I think one from the future might wonder why we still have to verbalize our thoughts, whereas one from the past would think everyone had gone crazy. Although they both might agree that the future of not verbalizing would be an improvement.

Just as in real life I am hard to get in touch with. Since starting work, I often find myself on Friday wondering what happened to Tuesday, Wednesday and the other days. For me this is good thing, I think, because it means I am not bored. So in recent news, we had a quiet Christmas or December 25 and discovered that assembling a cabinet with drawers and coasters is much more difficult than a desk. I have to laugh because I could be making the drawings in the assembly instructions.

I noticed that directions written by Americans or specifically geared for Americans are wordy. The directions for the cabinet from IKEA like the user manual written for a Chinese audience we use at work contains only pictures. What do you think? Do we Americans need more things spelled out?

So I got a new toy today. It is a small steamroller. I think it might help me transition to work especially if/when someone steamrolls over my idea.

Anyway, I need help with writing a slogan or sticker to put on my new toy. I want someone to call the number on my toy in case it gets misplaced. Of course if that person needs the toy more than I, I won't be too upset if it is kept. (this is how I dealt with toys that got lost/stolen in elementary and middle school)

So what should it say?

(picture can be found at Plantoys.com under Vehicle Set -> Road Construction Set, currently 2nd page)

Success I have a job that starts next Monday. A little nervous about starting, new place, new people, but who wouldn't be?

I am bummed because I've gotten rejections from all the potential employers on my list from July. The disappointing part is that one job I called one of the people that I interviewed with and she told me that their boss was the one who objected/had reservations. She was glad I called and recommended I call the boss so at the very least I can find out for future interviews. Consequently, I am going to try to get in touch with him as one of his likely reservations is that I "speak too quietly" and he's worried I wouldn't be able to handle my own. Granted, the job requires more confrontation that I would like but I really felt like the team was a good fit and I'd be backed up. Or learn from my mistake.

So come Monday I'll be trying to catch him in his office, he's Vice President and has been traveling, and find out his reservations.

UPDATE: Instead he had a lackey call and tell me to stop calling 'the engineers and talk to human resources.' Supposedly the job description changed - of course it makes sense want someone more experienced so that project lead can un-train them - and the woman who was hopeful was disappointed in him.

From looking at other people's blogs, found one of those tests, decided to try it. Here's the results:

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

But you knew that already right?

Hi everyone,

So I haven't posted in a while nor played the flute in public as I am working on obtaining a "real" job. Yes, one with benefits like health care although flute playing is very beneficial to one's health.

I wonder if it would be "wrong" for me to go back to playing on the weekends if I land a job. And then there's the question of do I accept money? I suppose I could always give it to my favorite starving performer or one of the places that fed me when I was hungry, no questions asked.

The other day, I was playing at lunchtime when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a man standing near me in blue. In Portland, even the police have to wait for street musicians to finish a number before interrupting. He asked me if I had a permit to which I asked where one might apply for such permit. He called it in, I packed up my stuff and asked politely if I could wait until he had the answer. Sorry guys, cute girls do have the upper hand as most law enforcement is male or appreciates a sweet smile.

After waiting for a while, a co-worker, also a friend came by and said no, there aren't permits for street musicians. He said that the street musician's guild or other group of a similar name had an agreement with the city which is to

Not be heard for more than 100 yards/meters - noise ordinance
Not block pathways, 250 ft away from doors and corners - obstruction ordinance
Rotate or take a break every hour - maintaining the peace

and told the officer where to pick up an information sheet at headquarters. He also suggested to play between the trees as sometimes the benches on the streets are private property (owned by local businesses). Plus, between trees means that one is not blocking the path of others except those rare occasions when folks need to enter their parked car. Note: Even motorists need to wait for number to finish.

So after said fiasco, I did not make more money for the day, so today's hour wage is $1. Even if one does nothing wrong, folks still avoid associating with you after the police have moved on to more important tasks.

Still I would recommend Portland's ordinances for other cities, like the town of Northampton that requires a permit. How many of you actually believe transient folks are going to fill out the paperwork for a card to play when they expect to spend maybe a week in the area? Sure, it does keep the street folks registered, but there are other methods such as through the shelters and trying to get government aid is a nightmare of paperwork. Besides, who does registration serve or benefit?

I have mixed feelings about being a street musician. I recently graduated with a degree in engineering, so it should be relatively easy for me to find a job. Yet, the average job search takes 19 weeks according to What Color is Your Parachute. Sure for 19 weeks I could live off of my savings, which I am doing by the way, as it is unlikely I will become rich playing.

On the trolley today a middle aged woman wearing a cardigan set saw my flute and asked me if I played in a band. To which I responded, no. She then asked, "orchestra?"

"No, I am a street musician." I smiled politely.

"Oh, I am a harpsichordist, I play the harpsichord." She told me with a smile.

The only people who inquire tend to be musicians themselves or other street people. It is awkward for me as I think of myself as appearing clean and sane/sober. Though I must say in my experience street people are nice, not all seem to be sharing the same reality with me, and more giving than most. My first $1 came from someone who probably was or had been a street musician/entertainer. Cornbread at the Sisters of the Road Cafe, a song from a washed-up hippie and acknowledgment of my existence.

It all started with a bet, "I bet I can make more as a street musician than financial aid is offering you," I told my partner. We had just moved to Portland, OR because of the wonderful transportation system and job opportunities. The plan was and still is that my partner would attend school and I would work full-time. The problem was that we had not expected such a low offer from financial aid, I mean, when your expected family contribution (EFC) is the minimum, how can $400 cover one's tuition expenses? Sure, they offered the maximum federal loans, but isn't that part of one's family contribution? I mean, where is one supposed to come up with cash when one's income is $0 after the standard deduction?

Other people might say that I have always been strange and attracted to odd jobs. Among my list of jobs are hauling trash with a bicycle (see Pedal People for an idea) and archery instructor a la robin hood.

Anyway, my current total is $10, which is charted below:

$1 first day
$4 second day
$5 previous time
$0 today - I think because I picked a bad spot, there was another musician one block away.